This week I made my return to the world of racing. Ever since I came out of college I have been in a habit of only racing when I am ready in intentional opposition to how I was always forced to race unready in college. Being a post-collegiate athlete is nice like that because I have no obligations to anything or anyone except myself so why not just save myself the trouble until I am absolutely confident that I am fit and ready to go? This is a great idea in theory and practice yet at the same time I was too committed to this mentality and it resulted in racing a lot less than I should have. So with my return to running this year with a renewed outlook I just went with my gut instinct that it would be a fun and challenging experience to race even thought I wasn’t fully prepared and just fucking go with the flow of doing my best. Who cares about being ready for every challenge in life, now I say just fucking throw me in there and let me learn and grow at the fast pace that comes with being on the razor’s edge.
My journey to build stability within myself has begun, it is more than just consistency and building up my training, it is a process of building a networked life of good things and stable people to both protect me against rough times and help guide me in my chase towards these crazy dreams.
I am apparently the owner of a broken heart. I haven’t been dumped and it has nothing to do with a girl but something I was a part of is turning out to not be what I once believed it to be and I feel confused and devastated by it. Nothing actually changed to make it this way I have just become aware of things I wish I hadn’t, so now that I know there is nothing I can do to forget it but my challenge now is to adapt and act accordingly to be stable enough within myself to handle the shifting world around me.
This week I received some affirmation that I am indeed still on the right path. It is sort of ridiculous that once again for the one-millionth time in my journey here I need to be reminded that I am still going in the right direction. It has become apparent that is something that will never go away and I will always need. I should know that my path it right because of the thought I put into the choice but I am a man of repetitive mistakes and misdirection’s and sometimes the path I thought to be right wasn’t and I found myself sprinting away in the wrong direction, much like last year was. But I do seem to catch myself going astray eventually so even thought I am not sprinting in the right direction just yet, at least I have begun to walk the right way.