I am a fan of simplicity, I find great joy in living a minimal life with only the simple things that matter most to me. However, I also have this chronic tendency to obsess and over complicate things in my head and I have found myself doing that a lot lately. Complicating and cluttering up my mind adds negativity to my world and brings down my life into an unnecessary slump. This is all in my head, I create these thoughts based purely on perspective and these small thoughts grow into these negative ideas that I cling too unnecessarily. I become concerned with how other people live their lives, what decisions they make, or don’t make, what rules their conduct themselves by and whether or not I agree with them. Where does this or that go? Who does what with the resources? Who gets something? what do I not get? Who gets treated differently? Who is accountable? Why are things the way they are and not another way? These are all nothing but thoughts I fill my head with because I have a negative perspective and I am making the world respond as a reflection to me. I admit I am wrong, I wrongfully judged others, and I have no right to tell anyone how to live their life. The world is simple and I fabricate complexity. The world has been good to me and the people who inhabit it have given me a reason to stay. My life is simple, my intentions are simple, and I found that asking myself the right question changes my perspective and provides me with a compass towards clarity in my mind. The question I asked myself was “would you pay $1200 for one, and only one, chance at chasing your dream?” My answer was a very simple and unconditional yes.
Consistent miles and rock solid efforts often yield an underappreciated gift, they give you time to think. It is almost like a calm before the storm, you just overcame the turmoil of getting fit enough to run great efforts and the future ahead of you holds promise of something special. However it is weeks like these, the calms before the storms, where the mileage almost takes a moment to catch its breath and look up, because you are now so capable of handling the efforts that you are able to gaze forward and wonder what it about to become of all of this.
This week was the second test of my fall fitness and my second attempt and breaking myself back into the world of racing by attempting to compete at a 10km cross country race. I knew this challenge would be tough, cross country running is a different beast all together and requires another level of toughness both physical and psychological. It has been an event I have always struggled with and I have never quite been able to conquer its simplicity but depth of character and resolve it requires to excel at it. Yet this is exactly what I need to be doing right now, tackling obstacles that seem unconquerable to me and not overly preparing myself so much as accepting where I am and trying anyways in the pursuit of growing to be more capable during the process.
This was the week I raced the second time of my fall season, it was a 10km cross country jaunt in a snowy park and lets just say that there were some lessons relearned the hard way for me. I had this race on my radar for a long while now so I had adequate time to prepare myself with a plan to be motivated about, and yet when I got on the start line I was left clueless about my purpose there today and if there is one take home lesson I learned for myself two weeks before nationals it is that if I am to race well again I will need to have a mission.
If there is one thing about my running that is consistent and predictable it is that the Monday after an 80 mile week I am a steaming pile of hot garbage. Hooray for consistency?
Post 10k race weeks can be a little rough to get going, never the less I still managed to get in a solid 80 mile week and while not spectacular in any particular way it was solid and I put in the sort of work that will make me what I want to be come July.
This week I made my return to the world of racing. Ever since I came out of college I have been in a habit of only racing when I am ready in intentional opposition to how I was always forced to race unready in college. Being a post-collegiate athlete is nice like that because I have no obligations to anything or anyone except myself so why not just save myself the trouble until I am absolutely confident that I am fit and ready to go? This is a great idea in theory and practice yet at the same time I was too committed to this mentality and it resulted in racing a lot less than I should have. So with my return to running this year with a renewed outlook I just went with my gut instinct that it would be a fun and challenging experience to race even thought I wasn’t fully prepared and just fucking go with the flow of doing my best. Who cares about being ready for every challenge in life, now I say just fucking throw me in there and let me learn and grow at the fast pace that comes with being on the razor’s edge.
My journey to build stability within myself has begun, it is more than just consistency and building up my training, it is a process of building a networked life of good things and stable people to both protect me against rough times and help guide me in my chase towards these crazy dreams.
I am apparently the owner of a broken heart. I haven’t been dumped and it has nothing to do with a girl but something I was a part of is turning out to not be what I once believed it to be and I feel confused and devastated by it. Nothing actually changed to make it this way I have just become aware of things I wish I hadn’t, so now that I know there is nothing I can do to forget it but my challenge now is to adapt and act accordingly to be stable enough within myself to handle the shifting world around me.
This week I received some affirmation that I am indeed still on the right path. It is sort of ridiculous that once again for the one-millionth time in my journey here I need to be reminded that I am still going in the right direction. It has become apparent that is something that will never go away and I will always need. I should know that my path it right because of the thought I put into the choice but I am a man of repetitive mistakes and misdirection’s and sometimes the path I thought to be right wasn’t and I found myself sprinting away in the wrong direction, much like last year was. But I do seem to catch myself going astray eventually so even thought I am not sprinting in the right direction just yet, at least I have begun to walk the right way.
This is going to be tough…. This week was my first week of attempting some workouts on my own and while it went as well as I could have possible hoped… it wasn’t easy.
Hello world, its funny how I feel we are so disacquainted to one another, as if strangers meeting for the first time. The last time we were together you had gotten the better of me, I had followed what I believed in to chase what I thought I wanted most in order to achieve what I thought would make me happy and I pursued that path with such aggression that I failed to realize that I was running so fast in the wrong direction.
Non runner journal entry #1. I’ve often misused or failed to use my downtime properly and to the fullest extent that I believe it should be to rest and recover the body, mind and soul. I often sit around at home and just slob and blob around like a fool and justify it with some lame half assed idea of what time off should entail, nothing. But not this time! Because fuck that nonsense.
What is the end of season, about to loose your grasp on motivation and fitness, version of that feeling of senioritis called? Fatigueitis? Longseasonitis? Runningoutoffuckstogiveitis? Well terminology doesn’t matter so much as the feeling I am struggling with.
There is an annual meet in London, Ontario called 1500m night. I have been a participant in this meet in almost every way possible over the years. My history with this meet has had its ups and downs, its has been host some of my darkest days as well as some of the best moments of my life.
The news is not good. Despite all I have done and everything everyone else has done for me I still remain plagued by the mysterious fatigue that has prevented me from feeling life and living in the feeling of being in adrenaline filled motion, the state of being me.
It is interesting who sticks around in your life when you’re low and who seems to disappear when you need them most. It doesn’t make me angry or hurt by any means to be forgotten or ignored but it is interesting and it makes me think about whom I might have unintentionally done the same to when our roles are reversed. I really don’t know whom I might have abandoned in their time of need but that’s probably because I didn’t know that they were in need, so the same could be said now for what’s going on with me because I can certainly admit that I am making a partial effort to hide my negativity from those around me in order to not bring them down with me. But still, surprisingly interesting to see who’s around in my life these days and who isn’t.
Nothing has changed, but we are changing it. This week was filled with two good workouts and a new plan, its not the best case scenario plan, but it is the best plan based on the scenario.
Something unexpected and cool has happened this past week, not of my own doing but by a collection of people around me who want to help me because they care. Apparently my dismay, frustration and confusion has become obvious to the people around me, and my coach came up to me and didn’t so much ask as much as he informed me that he is assembling a team of experts to help me figure out what is going on with me and guide me towards a solution and plan to right my ship. I don’t know what they could possibly do or tell me that would change this seeming inevitable situation but they are going to try, and that’s something more than nothing right?
What is the difference between glimmers and consistency? Which is preferable? A big spectacular glimmer of optimistic hope once in a blue moon? Or a collection of small reasonable and tangible efforts every day?