Non runner journal entry #1. I’ve often misused or failed to use my downtime properly and to the fullest extent that I believe it should be to rest and recover the body, mind and soul. I often sit around at home and just slob and blob around like a fool and justify it with some lame half assed idea of what time off should entail, nothing. But not this time! Because fuck that nonsense.
What is the end of season, about to loose your grasp on motivation and fitness, version of that feeling of senioritis called? Fatigueitis? Longseasonitis? Runningoutoffuckstogiveitis? Well terminology doesn’t matter so much as the feeling I am struggling with.
There is an annual meet in London, Ontario called 1500m night. I have been a participant in this meet in almost every way possible over the years. My history with this meet has had its ups and downs, its has been host some of my darkest days as well as some of the best moments of my life.
It is interesting who sticks around in your life when you’re low and who seems to disappear when you need them most. It doesn’t make me angry or hurt by any means to be forgotten or ignored but it is interesting and it makes me think about whom I might have unintentionally done the same to when our roles are reversed. I really don’t know whom I might have abandoned in their time of need but that’s probably because I didn’t know that they were in need, so the same could be said now for what’s going on with me because I can certainly admit that I am making a partial effort to hide my negativity from those around me in order to not bring them down with me. But still, surprisingly interesting to see who’s around in my life these days and who isn’t.
This week I had a glimmer of hope. The last time I truly ran well was the week before my Montreal race and the past 8 weeks since then have been a steady free fall. For eight weeks now my runs have been plagued with overtraining, injury and illness with absolutely no sign of hope on the horizon that one day I might feel like my old self. That’s a long time to live in a haze of uncertainty, it can be tough not to get depressed. Actually several friend were apparently worried about me after seeing me mope around but I can assure you that I am not depressed. It is more that they are seeing my disappointment, you see I have actually been handling the struggle over the past weeks relatively well, I know that I will be fine eventually and so I have been very patient in waiting for a signal from my body. The problem is eventually is not now and so every day when I set out to run with optimism in my heart I am met with a big overtrained monster blocking my way telling me to sit back down. What I’m feeling isn’t depression it’s disappointment. Disappointment in the fact that today is not yet the day.